My self-confidence was at an all time low in the dark winter and into the spring. All aspects of my life reflected this including my writing. Some questioned if I was suicidal. Others told me to hang in there. I had gotten so far away from myself that I was becoming an alternate version that was not welcome.
Then the surgery happened and I lost weight and got sober. I began to slowly come out of this heavy fog that had me convinced I was a worthless sack of excrement. It didn’t happen over night and I’m still far from what I would consider my normal, upbeat self but progress was made. Steps away from the self-hell I had created were being taken.
And then life just took on this new normal of waking up rested and nights of good snacks and going to bed with sound mind. I made other changes in my life like finding a new day job and pursuing my writing career like I used to procrastinate about in the past. The delta variant came and went, and everything went on a temporary hold of terror minutiae.
In becoming reaquainted with myself I still wasn’t the confident man I once was. But sometimes out of the woodwork comes a voice so needed that when you finally hear it you almost want to cry. Not because it hurts or because it makes you sad but because it confirms something so deep inside that your inner person has been longing to hear.
A face from the past reached out to me and within that first day of going back and forth lifted me higher than I’ve been in years. “You’re a great father, a great provider, a man that epitomizes Adonis, husband material and a man that knows how to convey his feelings through the artistry that is writing; you’re the perfect man”.
Now, of course I can’t claim to be all of that, not even close. It’s not about the truth or not what was said but that I heard the truth that resonated within me. I’m neither an Adonis nor am I perfect. I may sometimes beat myself up over my writing or lack thereof. I’ve failed in the past as a husband and I’ve questioned my ability to provide several times, especially on the level I’d like to.
But ya know what? Even though I feel less than in regards to these compliments, this person sees me in these ways. That alone made me think that maybe there are others out there that see me much better than I see myself, too. I understand that peoples perceptions of me shouldn’t dictate my self-worth but getting a good report definitely doesn’t hurt, and at a time like this.
Ultimately, we must keep our heads up. Even in those dark times we’re still who we are. Life throws nastiness at us all the time but that shouldn’t wear us down like we often let it. Circumstances are never ideal but who we are inside will stand the test of time, to the end.