Hearts Erased

Ever feel tucked away, like in a pocket somewhere, removed and preserved? I do lately. It feels safe but I don’t like it and it needs to end.

What we’re actually designed for, I couldn’t really tell you. It can’t be to hustle and bustle our way through a work week with sands flying through the hourglass creating sparks. It sure isn’t sitting on the couch all day numbing our souls with TV and blue screen blurs.

It can’t be chasing down love at the expense of tearing your heart up so much it feels like a plate of spaghetti and meatsauce. I can’t imagine it can be a person trapped in a horrible marriage, living in addiction or being forever lost or forever alone.

I’ll choose none of the above and I also won’t be content with existing in this form of purgatory any longer. Yes, there is a better way of life and currently I am not living it, though I was and not long ago.

Wherever we are, whatever we are caught up in we can feel on-hold. It’s an emotional waiting game and it is draining as it is lonely. Though I’m light years away from the depression I felt this time last year, this is definitely unpleasant and without joy.

I’m not doing this for myself and there is reason behind it. It is something that I believe in wholeheartedly enough that I shall remain here, at least for now. Taking 30 minutes to write this out is therapy enough in convincing myself to stay the course. To stay nestled away in this capsule of time fills my calendar in nicely enough.

To be clear, I hate this hand on me. This unadvancing upsets me thoroughly. I am unimpressed as I am low on patience, seemingly. But I here. I am healthy. I am alive. And I will see this through or die trying.