Hearts Erased

And When You’re in Control

October 4th, 2014

What a world! One minute you’re down on your luck, unemployed, feeling beaten and not in control of a whole lot, and the next you’re thriving and you have three great employment opportunities in front of you. Life, in all its crazy hardships, sometimes tosses us a hall pass of sorts, and the lame thing about it is that this feels weird. In a sane world, it should be the norm for blessings and good things to come and be received, and the trials and difficult times should be what feels odd to us, ya?

A few months back, I quit my job and then found myself unemployed for two months. The quitting was voluntary; the two month period was not. I applied at what seemed like everywhere and couldn’t find a fit. It was, as they say, ridonkulous. That was my “night”: a dark, scary, trying time of fumbling around and finding nothing while getting nowhere. No, I’m not scared of the dark. Work with me here!

Today is my “day”. I have a job that is good and I am wanted at, but the employer doesn’t have adequate yearly work so he’s encouraged me to look elsewhere. Yesterday, I secured a great job with great pay, and it’s local though it is highly physical and I would again be dealing with “the elements”. Today, I was offered a third position, with pay that exceeds the others, it’s indoors and I will be managing people, with the only drawback being the hour commute.

I know what I would like to choose and I have made said choice, but that isn’t what this posting is about. How wonderful I have felt all day today. Options are in front of me, and no matter how foreign, the ball is in my court. I haven’t felt control for some time now, and today, I realize how much I value it.

How tragic it is when we have no control. Our position in this, here in this first world country, is nothing like how horrid it could be elsewhere. Sure, I did not have steady income for a brief amount of time; but I have friends and family, and other avenues of filling those temporary gaps and struggles. I can’t fathom the literal world of difference a starving child or family faces in Africa, for example. Lack of control definitely takes on a new meaning.

So today, I revel in this peace. I feel happy, and I feel secure, and watched over. I want more of this feeling. I long for it to be my normal.
My Career as an Alcoholic

October 4th, 2014

In my mind, and now on “paper”, I consider myself to be an alcoholic. Maybe a step back from “full-on alcoholic”. I have never not been able to survive a day without it in my system. I’ve never woken up in the morning and taken a swig out of a bottle to get me through ’til breakfast. I didn’t lose a job because of an addiction to booze. My kids have never seen me off balance or slurring words. All that may be true. That guy isn’t me. But I do believe it can get the best of me and will again if I don’t continue to keep it in check.

I have wanted to write on this topic since I first began the blog but it is extremely personal and secretive. It’s scary to think about expressing something that has felt like a coffin I couldn’t get out of it, as it’s lowered slowly into a grave. Yet this is a topic I am well versed in so, as a fine wine goes down smooth, so will these thoughts flow onto the page.

As an adolescent, I vowed never to drink. My father, his father, as well as my grandfather on my mother’s side were all alcoholics, and I wanted to go a different path. But then youth happened, and I got blackout drunk at age 16, passing out in my own vomit. Lesson learned? I wish. From about 18 through until this current year, at age 38, not more than a few days went by without me putting the drink to my lips. And I didn’t even care for the first ten years. It was fun, and my body and my mind loved the sweet buzz.

Age at 28, I began going back to church and something in me said, “It’s time to quit drinking”. And for the record, I never got drunk. My version of drinking consisted of a 6 pack of beer, or a few glasses of rum. The buzz would come and I would take it a bit further, but never (save the very first time) get hammered drunk. Anyway, from age 28 through until I would say the age of 37, each time I chose to drink, I’d tell myself (and quite often audibly) “This is the last time”.

I lied to myself like that for nearly ten years. I lied to family members, saying I had quit drinking. I even nitpicked at some of their alcohol consuming tendencies, as though I was somehow better. As though I had walked away. I lied to an incredibly important girlfriend, saying that I had ceased drinking years ago. I lied to my son. I would hide it or try my best to be secretive about it.

More than half the fun of it was removed for those 9 years, what with all the guilt and deception. And I wasn’t an idiot. I saw how it consumed money, and how horrible it is for my body and the sabotage that would take place as I worked out often and tried to eat healthy. Every time I drank, I’d eat a good thousand plus calories of junk before passing out, then feeling dragged out the next day, I would eat fast food. It stole my creativity. It robbed me of decent sleep. The only “good” it was doing me was that escape, and that buzz that I had grown so addicted to.

This last year or so? I drank more than ever, and I also quit deceiving myself. I stopped saying this is it. I let my son know I drank, feeling that it would help in some way, and I think ultimately it did. But I was drinking 5 to 6 nights a week, especially near the end, right before I moved. It got to the point where it was ABNORMAL for me to NOT drink. It was weird and so wonderful to have a sober night’s sleep once in a while. I was bloated and wasting so much money, it was ridiculous.

A few sentences ago, I referenced to “near the end”. I knew that I needed help. I read the Alcoholics Anonymous book and debated attending a class or two. I knew I wasn’t an alcoholic in my minds “traditional” sense but I knew it was now bigger than me. I wanted out but I was a slave. I hated it, yet I loved it. It made no sense whatsoever, to accept all those cons because of one pro.

Well, the end did come. It has been just over a month now since the move and since I consumed alcohol and I don’t plan on reverting back to the old stupid behaviours. Coming here, I gave up a lot including freedom as I knew it, but what lived and breathed in my version of freedom was a nasty addiction that was probably literally taking years off of me.

I feel clear now, and that’s something I would always yearn for in all my foggy moments. I have more drive, creativity, money and I no longer live amidst a sea of lies, to the ones that mattered most to me. It really can be done. I think the journey and the escape (to freedom) is different for anyone who finds themselves caught, stuck, addicted. It was a shocker for me and a wake up, all the while knowing that no one was forcing this on me. I didn’t need it. I just kept digging a hole and deeper I went, when all I had to do was literally just say no. Powerful, we are.

2 comments:

Nick30 July 2014 12:14

Firstly, I believe that the definition of an alcoholic is societal. What you described there would be considered normal in Europe, potentially almost teetotal in Germany and England.
Secondly, there was probably something going on in your life that caused you to drink, something you may not have been consciously aware of. Now that you have changed situations, the need has suddenly disappeared.

Reply

Julia5 August 2014 03:19

While I am very glad that you are successfully working on yourself and have found the strength to be honest about it with yourself and others, I have to admit that I mostly write this comment to call bullshit on Nick’s. It is in no way normal in Europe, Germany or England. As a European I do not appreciate false assumptions like this.

Keep it up, Kris 😉 Proud of you.
Uranus is the Limit

October 4th, 2014

Everybody is born with greatness in them. Do you believe that? It’s all about realizing what it is and having the strength to achieve. How can one person change the world? Kind of a huge question though really, no bigger than asking how can I make MY OWN life better? The best way I can think of is removing the limitations that no one but ourselves has set.

I’ve been living small time, no reason to deny it. I can’t remember when I haven’t just gotten by in many areas of my life. There has been minimal growth. I feel I have excelled in parenting and in building my body, and that’s about it. Friendships, finances, relationships…these areas have been unmanaged for the most part.

But now I’m on a roll. This guy has great momentum behind him. I have cut off old habits that did nothing for me but drag me down and steal my money. I have done the inventory on my life and have come up with exponential shortages so I ordered new stock, and it has arrived, been implemented and now I run on all cylinders. Well, almost all. I can’t claim perfection just yet.

No, I’m not referring to those three areas I just mentioned, although financially it is improving daily. The focus I now possess is downright awesome. And the “let’s get through this month” mentality is gone, and is replaced with “Uranus is the limit”, or I guess anywhere up there really.

I am going to exceed any and all limitations ever set, whether spoken or simply thought, or even implied by others. That voice of reason, the guy that lives in my gut…sometimes he can be of use. But more often than not, he holds me back, as others might with the “you can’t do that” ‘s, or the “you’ll never make it” ‘s. At my ripe old age, I have learnt that he can shut it! He can shut his flippin’ mouth, ’cause I’m not listening.

I have felt greatness on me my whole life. At times, I have shone but mostly I remained mundane and medicated. I have felt disallowed to be amazing. Success is something I could pursue, but why bother, because I can’t get there. I’m done with the lies for good. No, really. No more ceilings will hold me down.

What about you?
Bringing The Funny

October 4th, 2014

Well over two weeks has passed since my last posting and it feels odd that so much time has gone by. I haven’t been lazy! I haven’t lacked creativity! I didn’t even die! What I have been doing is writing and creating way more than I normally do. I have officially begun work on my sitcom.

Its been a rush of emotion, one might say. Since conception, the idea to pursue crafting a television show has been one long learning curve, and I am still processing daily. The difference now is instead of thinking about how my own pilot project would look like and what I need to make it work, at this point I am actually making it happen. It feels wonderful! There’s a strong degree of fear, fleeting thoughts of self-doubt, a daunting sense of “will the humour translate” and an overall peace stemming from the strong drive that I have to succeed.

Protagonist, secondary characters, their back stories and how they interact with each other…check. Title and premise…check. Beat sheet and pilot episode outline are complete. And last night, I began “putting pen to paper” with the first draft beginning with the cold open/teaser. You know….that first introductory scene that sets the tone and introduces the main characters before the opening theme/credits.

In the actual business of writing for an existing show, these people are on tight deadlines, usually whipping up a full episode within a week. I will be accustom to that one day, and as well, considering all shows have a team of writers beyond the pilot episode, which will speed up the process indefinitely. As my own personal deadline, for this first sitcom writing endeavour, I have given myself a month and a day. That’s right…that extra day could make this! I can’t see it breaking it.

I feel as though I am “on” the sixteen to eighteen waking hours I endure each and every day. I want to stay sharp. I need the creativity strong, and I want “the funny” to be interwoven in everything. I thought dialogue might be hard to create, to make authentic and to be riddled with hilarity. This is not the case, as it seems to flow with all the rest of the process. Again, it all stems from, “You are what you eat”, or “What goes in, comes out”. I AM A TELEVISION COMEDY WRITER AND IT’S WHAT I DO.

I am amazed at how therapeutic this all is. Coming into “my own”, it has opened my eyes to see glimpses at the very core of who I am. For a good chunk of my childhood, I stuttered horribly, mostly with my mother. It was so bad that my only means of communication with her was through handwritten notes, as I was unable to verbalize how I was feeling and what I so badly wanted to say. Looking back, I feel like this union of only expressing myself through writing has solidified my emotions connected with truly communicating what it is I need to say. Words are my oldest, dearest friend. When I was trapped in my brain and body, written word was the only way I could “be normal” and I can embrace that now maybe more than ever.

Another thing I have considered to be true lately is how it is that I have remained single all these years. It hasn’t been for lack of trying, being closed off, not being attractive enough or any other silly logic. Heck, I was briefly engaged a couple years back! I have had my share of what I call mini relationships, but I am never satisfied so they don’t go the distance. I don’t consider there to be anything wrong with me, as though I prevent my own “happiness” via a better half/spouse. I am now convinced that it stems from my calling as a writer. I see that for me to be following this dream, this goal…I need to be single. Sure, I work and I raise three children but none of that prevents me from what I want to accomplish. For me to have the time to create and the drive to eventually make the transition to life in Los Angeles, I cannot be involved with a woman. And that’s fine. It’s good.

I’m a race horse whose bucked off his jockey and can see the finish line. I’m frothing at the mouth, bitin’ on my bit and my blinders are keeping me looking forward. I’m untouchable. I’m a friggin Stallion.
In Sickness and In Health

October 4th, 2014

As a writer, or just like any other “hobby” or career, one discovers things. One of them is that if I am in a bad mood, cranky or sick then I don’t feel like writing. Using my brain is not a priority in these cases. All I want is quiet, possibly a movie and lots of sleep. Can you identify?

This annoys me though. I want to be a flexible writer, one whom adapts to any given set of circumstances. To have the same creativity to write whether I’m sick, or healthy. Whether I’m sad, or happy. Whether I’m in a snow storm in January, or a beautiful summer’s day. Whether I’m naked in Kazakhstan, or buried alive in Budapest. Are you reading me?

So here I am, forcing this post. Nah, the words are coming just like they always do and I’m glad to be discovering this. It makes me think of musicians, whom apparently write some of their best material when they’re feeling low, or less than happy at the least. Knowing our strengths, then throwing chaos at them…if it stands through the fire then it truly is worth something. If we crumble and take the excuse train, then…well, we’re only human. I can find some safety in this.

Is there a moral to the story? I think it’s pretty obvious. After all, this little personal “social experiment” included me and me alone. To be human is okay, I mean we are who we are. To be an adapter when the so called “chips” are down is to face a wall and barrel straight through it. And the latter gives us something that can’t be bought or created.

I want to be able to shine amidst any emotion and any circumstance. I don’t want negative feelings dictating my ability to create. I can’t stand the thought of being a procrastinator. Instead, I will follow through.
Why the Ice Bucket Trend Bothers Me

October 3rd, 2014

Am I the only one who gets annoyed with “everybody’s doing it” viral ridiculousness like this current ALS ice bucket business? I mean really…person after person, celebrity after celebrity? Trendy bothers me greatly. It’s just how I am. Oh no…I got nominated. Now I HAVE to do it! No, actually you don’t.

I get it, I do. I’m not against donating to charities. I’m not against a foundation helping those in need. It all actually hits reasonably close to home. When my daughters were two, they experienced Guillain-Barre syndrome after receiving immunization needles. Their nerve covering was stripped and all they felt were hot, as well as cold nerve flashes, similar to what people with ALS feel, hence the icy bucket.

What I am against is the way the masses follow. Donate money if the cause speaks to you, by all means, but putting your cold-water-dump-vid on facebook, just like the tens of thousands did before you…redundant doesn’t come close.

I’ve always been this way, it’s in my blood. When Avatar came out, “everyone” saw it and raved. Thousands of people went multiple times. But I refused. Even with all the hype, it looked lame to me. Years later, I broke down and agreed to watch it on dvd. I found it laughable and knew there was a reason I had originally passed on it.

The same goes with Tim Hortons. “Everybody” has to have their “Timmy’s”. It’s Canadian so I guess I should be proud or something, but I’m not. I don’t need their donuts and coffee forced down my throat. I don’t even find it good! But even if it was delicious, I still wouldn’t buy in. It’s gotten so bad that now I cringe upon hearing about “Timmy’s”.

I must be a rare breed, because I’m definitely not with the masses. Certain things “everyone is doing” I am prone to follow such as wearing clothing in public, or working for a living. Most days I even wake in the morning and go to bed at night! These activities I don’t feel are overdone, viral or trendy. I run with the pack in regards to the basics. Ice buckets on social media? Going to pass.
From Sandcastles to Mansions

October 3rd, 2014

There are some all too familiar sayings we’ve all heard a thousand times, and they’re ingrained in us, yet whether we really believe them is debatable. “You are what you eat”. “What goes in, comes out”. “You can do anything you put your mind to”. They all generally state the same idea. Whatever you focus on the most, you achieve. Doesn’t necessarily mean positives only. One could spend every waking minute convincing themselves they’re a serial killer. Does he become that? I genuinely believe so.

I can take ownership of this train of thinking, in line with the aforementioned slogans, if you will. In both looking back and looking forward, I can clearly see how and when I convinced myself I was a certain person and I became them. Him. You know what I’m getting at. As a young teen, I used to fantasize I was this cool, rich, rock star guy….Okay, I guess that one didn’t really pan out. Alright, let’s try it again. When I impregnated the mother of my children, I could have walked away and continued my life as it was (which…wasn’t golden at all). Instead, I wanted to make it work so I CHOSE to be a parent, and a flippin amazing one at that. Why go mediocre in a game of human poker? I mean, am I wrong? I don’t what that means either.

The choice was life defining for me, it was bigger than huge. The choice shaped not only me, from who I was to whom I became (which some may debate it’s who I always was anyway. I just needed that scenario to show myself I had it in me), but also ended up shaping the lives of my offspring. Second to following God, I’ve never made a more important choice.

As of one year ago, there has been another potentially and eventually life altering choice I have made and that is to become a television writer. I’m not doing this small scale. I don’t intend on completing my work, and patting myself on the back, filing it away somewhere and down the road telling friends, family and random strangers, “I once wrote a sitcom. No biggie.” No! I have CHOSEN that I want to write a pilot and so I am. I am two scenes away from completing my first draft. And it won’t stop there. I will finish it, along with a few more episodes and ideas for several seasons. And when the time is right, I will pursue getting it made.

This is who I am, and I am many things. A father happens to be one, and a television writer another. We can be whatever we set our sights and our hearts on. I’m done with thinking so small and not really living. Sure, there are other aspects of success, such as work ethic and drive, but ultimately, once you set your chosen path and truly believe in yourself and in your project, nothing shall stand in your way. Do you believe that? I believe it so much that it inspires me and spurns me on. I live it and it’s this kind of passion that I’ve always wanted for myself. It’s a choice! It really is a simple yes or no.
When You Just Need to Thrash

September 28th, 2014

I want to start a death metal band again. Okay, maybe not death metal per say but something intense and heavy. It’s the music that’s always moved me the most.

When I was seventeen/eighteen, I fronted the band “Orifice”. Heard of them? Of course you didn’t. We played two shows and recorded a five song demo disc. That was our run.

Besides attempting to write a Police Academy movie in grade 5, Orifice was my first delicious taste of creativity in action. I wrote all our songs, played guitar then bass and “sang”. And loved every second of it.

The lyrics were sick, the riffs were intense and the drums ripped ones head off. Visceral and undeniably brutal, in the best way possible. But hey, that was yesteryear, am I wrong?

If I had a band now, we wouldn’t lyricize about being indoctrinated by demons or shaded funerals. I probably wouldn’t grunt and growl every syllable. I can guarantee you I wouldn’t be hammered drunk at our shows.

What would it look like? I dunno. FRIGGIN AWESOME is all I can tell you. Maybe when I’m in Vancouver or down in LA. At 40, I won’t be too old to shred, will I?? Never! I’d be seasoned, like the grey in my beard or the swagger in my walk. Life can only get better, my musical creation included.

My rock star dream retired itself years ago but that doesn’t mean I can’t play. It’s funny how we come full circle in ways. Honestly, music is not a priority for me. My time is filled with raising my kids, working, gymming, writing and sleeping. But again, as I touched on in a previous posting, when I pick up an instrument it just flows and I don’t want to stop. It’s these creative passions that feed me and give me life.

It’s in my kids too. Maybe not quite the love of super heavy music but nonetheless music in general. On the way to church this morning, with old school Metallica blasting, all three were drumming on their seats. Hilarious and awesome.
Without Boundary: The Joy of Creating

September 23rd, 2014

Merriam Webster’s Dictionary defines Creativity as both “the quality of being creative” and my personal favorite, “the ability to create”. The word inventiveness also strikes a chord. Maybe it rings a bell. Anyways it does something. And I like it.

The past couple days I have been overwhelmed with my passion for creation. The concept is so huge and bottomless and amazing and eternal to me. Echo! Echo! Echo!

In thinking of ideas for the show I’m writing, I can fall into a bit of a hole if I let it happen. I can get bombarded with thoughts of “how can I make this funny”, and “what’s he going to say”. In a four walled world with both a floor and a ceiling, I am trapped. Anyone is. But by simply removing those parameters of limitation, this bottomless universe containing anything I want it to hold is mine for the molding. For the inventing.

There are no rules! How can something be wrong if it was never right? Wrap your mind around that one. Thank me later.

Some may consider it a “God complex”, and why not. He is the Ultimate Creator. The First and Last! If I’m giving credit to the source, then that’s where it shall be.

You probably didn’t even realize it til just now but……I am creating this blog. With these words. Mind blown?!

It comes so easy and it should. After all, there’s no end to it. Creating, in its own rights, is the purest thing ever. Hands down. Surely it can be used for bad but at its source, the stream is good. Pure. Refreshing. And undeniably delicious.

It’s kind of everywhere, isn’t it? In all of us. John Doe picks up a guitar and learns to play a Metallica lick, and it’s cool. But same dude strings (pun intended) his own notes together and boom…He has created something.

It’s to be celebrated. We all are to be celebrated. We all can create, we all have giftings related to it. I don’t want it to stop. I want to grow it and watch it mature. I like the thought of seeing it get better, or its direction change and I follow it to where it takes me.

Bottomless and without ceiling!
The Habit of Discipline

September 20th, 2014

Sitting, waiting for the wedding of a good friend to start, after just being updated that both the bride’s mother and the groom’s mother are running late. So what’s a man to do? Write a blog, of course.

This is my inaugural posting on WordPress, after much frustration with accessing my Blogger account. Both accounts are active; I just won’t be posting anything new on my sitcomstartup.blogspot.ca.

During my brief writing hiatus, after completing the first draft of the pilot episode of my sitcom ten days or so ago, and the above discussed frustration with Blogger, I have come to a conclusion. I neither need or want time off. A writer writes…am I right? In my education on the television writing process, it’s recommended to take a period of time away from my completed first draft. Instead, I much prefer continuing other projects including blogging, beginning the outline of the second episode, all the while coming up with more “funny” to season the pilot.

In this, I have discovered a new take on discipline. It’s crazy how easily a “bad” can be flipped to a “good”. Before the move back in June, I would end most of my days with some drinks and some television viewing. No biggie but alas, a bad habit in my eyes. The kind of scenario where if I didn’t do it, I would miss it, crave it. So now, after nearly three months of ending my days without liquor and lazing, but instead with writing and creativity…I flippin’ miss it if it’s not a constant. I yearn to write. There’s always a storyline going on in this noggin. And why shut that off? I’m blessed like this and I can’t get enough.

Are there areas in your life that you’d like to do the bad-for-good switcherooni? Just takes a bit of discipline. And that’s the thing….I had developed a negative discipline so in removing that unhealthy habit, and implementing this new and positive one, picking it up and running with it was not difficult in the least because the discipline and the consistency is already set.

Well, the wedding is over. Both mother’s made an appearance and the ceremony was darned well decent. I suppose a nap is in order now, before the reception. I’m tuning out, while letting my own words sink in. Baby steps. Improving one piece of me at a time. The bads to the goods.