Category: Humor
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Deader Than A Doornail-5)
And just like that, the interrogation began. “You mean you made us crash and die? What a douche!” Elliot asked. Beverly was more infuriated. “W-w-who are you then? Mr Mephistopheles??” Ralph pointed a finger to the ground, meaning stone cold business. “I want answers, guy. Answers! You hear me!?” The quiet old codger took a […]
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Deader Than A Doornail-4)
Bev Jr is busy hating her existance. She had become more alone and sullen than she normally was, which was saying something. She’d just drive (and fast), and question why she was this living zombie and why she didn’t just stay dead. Unlike everyone else in the fam jam, she could not just look past […]
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Deader Than A Doornail-3)
The next morning, Tuesday, I’m meaning, the family stood and sat in the kitchen, eating breakfast and talking loudly. Elliot was very open with his confession. “Why do I have xray vision..?” His dad cut him off, with a big grin. “Aw, son, that’s fantastic news! As I young boy, it was my one wish […]
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Deader Than A Doornail-2)
The Doornail family, Ralph, Beverly, Elliot and Bev Jr, sat quietly around the oval kitchen table. Beverly had prepared a giant breakfast fit for the undead and it was cooling rapidly before them. They looked around at the spread, then up at each other without word and without expression. Bev Jr broke the ice. “Um, […]
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Deader Than A Doornail-1)
As the sun set slowly in the east, the McDougal family sedan soared through air and crashed violently into Caliko Lake, fully emersed by the drink in mere seconds. The man who sent them into their watery graves sat behind the wheel of his old farm truck, in a daze of disbelief, smoke funneling out […]
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A Dangerous Subversive.
I’m fluent in a lot of languages. The language of procrastination, of creativity, of parenthood, of walking the line, of having a short fuse and of being cranky. I speak others as well, but for the sake of boring us all, that’s the length of the lingo list. You’ll notice there’s a nice amalgamation of […]
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Licorice Lifestyle and Other Unquotable Quotes.
“Life is like a bag of licorice. You ALWAYS know what you’re going to get. And its sweet. And also chewy.” “You can only rot for so long before understanding the meaning of intrepidation.” “There are 3 concepts every person should live by: 1) Never look yourself in the eye in a mirror, 2) Never […]
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Dennis Dofino Wants His 7 Dollars Back.
We all know a Dennis Dofino. Or we’ve been a Dennis Dofino. Some goofy kid has lent us his lunch money and we have yet to pay the bugger back. Not because we can’t, but because we won’t. We never see him, only on Facebook. Always on Facebook. And he makes it known alright. “Where’s […]
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Things Not To Do At Easters
This is pretty self explanatory. I mean it’s all in the title. So, shall we? 1) Do not cook one of your neighbour’s many cats and try to pass it off as a ham. If I had a dollar for every time my parents did this as a way to save a couple bucks when […]
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Maple Chili (From the upcoming Cookbook for the Incompetent Male).
Recipe numero uno. Am I fluent in Spanish? No, I am not, however, I like to incorporate many a-language into my daily dialogue, kapeesh? Okay then, where was I? Oh ya, my favorite chili recipe. I mean let’s face it, there are some delicious chili’s out there in this classic creation of the orb called […]
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Pruneface.
Once upon a time, deep in the heart of Yesteryear.com, there lived an old lady. Skin soured by the sun, provoking the neighbourhood riff raff to coin the nickname “Pruneface”. Catchy and not far off from her actual name Prunella. Pruneface loved gossip, whether from her lips and to her ears. It is, in fact, […]
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Jello Cake or Two Layer Poke Cake (from my upcoming recipe book for the incompetent male).
This was my sister’s fav come birthday season when we were younger. Yesteryear, some might be inclined to say. For one reason or another, I’ve adopted a fierce love of it as a man in his mid-to-late thirties. And the kicker? I’m the only one in the house who enjoys it so when I whip […]