I think there is a fine line between parenting “kids” under my roof who are going on twenty years of age and letting them do what they want. But this line is a bit broader considering their learning disabilities, and my legal guardianship and trusteeship of them. Am I instinctively not giving them free reign (“can I have cereal for a snack?”) because this is how it’s always been? Surely they are able to listen to their internal clock and go to bed when they are sleepy, so why do I announce it’s time for bed every single night? This is all uncharted territory for me, not to mention these young women as well.
We had a similar discussion of such topics just the other evening. I wanted to make it known that I want to respect them as the adults they are. I wanted to make it known that I still am in the role as their father and I always will be but I wanted them to know a few important things. Stuff like it’s okay to eat whenever they’re hungry, that they don’t need to ask. If they wake in the night and feel the desire for food then go for it, not that anyone does that in this household except for me. I wanted them to know that this is their home, the same way it is mine. These are all things I assume they understand but I felt moved to state it otherwise.
And with it, I wanted to make it known that I’m simply trying to help them. They’ll constantly ask if they can have this or have that, or can you make me such and such. I’ll, of course, say yay or nay but at this point in the game I wanted them to know that it’s not as rigid as they’ve always thought, at least not anymore. Same goes with brushing their teeth and hair, and taking their meds. These practices are non negotiable considering their importance and especially for my daughters but I’m wanting them to do them to their frequency and not be needing my reminders.
But there’s the juxtaposition. They need someone, more specifically me, to do that for them. And there’s the coughing. One girls coughing makes sense, it’s her now-condition, and it scares me to my core. My other girl had always had a cough and she’s the one that lies in bed hacking at night, also chilling me to the bone. Why am I faced with such illness and even worse… it’s not mine to bear, it’s theirs. We’re burdened by the minute.
Ultimately, neither of us are going anywhere soon and that suits us all just fine. This transition playing out before my eyes from children to adulthood is daunting but I think I’m doing alright. Maybe I can learn to ease up a bit and watch them further their independence because if ever there was a time to do it, it’s now. And as needy as they can be in regards to me, I feel important if it’s only just for them.
My heart weakens in the silence of our love Feeling my despair from all sides Desperate for your half walled world Over this new serving of uninspired hell.
As you continue to muffle your feelings I am emersed in unnecessary torment Parched by your drought when you had just come back You make me ache in places previously numb.
The lie detector of your heart is a tsunami of sound Pummeling the make believe world you’ve made of dust You writhe inside the way I writhe all over Keeping at arms length our gorgeous saving grace.
Remember those times, baby I was always listening And no matter what we were saying Whether loving, heated or in between I would break into a smile Whatever that was going on I was just so in awe of you I could never, ever get enough.
I have loved you incredibly so Five minutes with you gave me wings One glance from you solved my everything And one of your kisses melted me whole I will cherish the angles of your all for eternity Giving everything up when you step onto my scene Because all else fades away You are all that I see.
Stop celebrating dysfunction You’ve pretended far too much And internalized way too long You’ve swallowed enough hate to level a city.
Stop rewarding an asshole with perseverance “Yes sir, treat me poorly. I want MORE!” Run for your dear life Never look back at the scum where you’re at.
I woke you from your sleep You’re unable to go back It’s why I always say there’s just one choice Only one direction to go You can’t reinvent or hide your compass No more neutrality and no more going backwards I woke you from your sleep You are unable to go back.
“Using the ‘kids’ as the excuse as to why you’re not going to split up (even if you’re really unhappy with your partner) can create a dynamic that’s not good for anyone. Giving up on the relationship without ending it only deepens the wounds between you and your partner, and adds to the tension and resentment that can permeate the household.
When all we are doing is tolerating our partner, we are modeling unhappy, tension-filled, emotionally guarded behavior that kids then internalize and carry with them into their adult relationships. It can become normalized for them that rela- tionships are often joyless experiences where the answer to conflict is to ignore the situation and not address it.”
“Children are looking to us to learn what a healthy relationship looks like. If we can’t provide a healthy relationship model – good communication and appropriate conflict resolution – then we are better off considering going through with the divorce. Witnessing years of bad feelings, consternation, and anger will only wear your child down.
But there are hundreds of ways to be in a relationship. Kids have grown up just fine with parents who were openly non-monogamous. Kids have grown up successfully in situations where parents traded occupying a central house where the child lived full-time. Kids have grown up successfully with divorced parents, too. But I can almost guarantee you that in all of these circumstances, the ability for a child to grow up successfully was all about having open, communicative parents.”
“You’re not happy. You know you deserve happiness and so does your spouse. And your kids deserve it too … especially your kids. That’s the biggest problem: Your kids deserve happiness. And right now, your belief is that they will never be happy if you get divorced. Many couples decide that they can’t divorce because of their children. They believe that their kids deserve to grow up in an intact family, and that anything less will destroy them.
By staying together for their sake, you’ll be teaching them that marriage is about being miserable and disliking your spouse. You’ll also show them how to live separate lives and still be married. Instead of putting in the really hard work to try to fix things or to divorce respectfully, you can both just go with the flow and accept your unhappiness as a fact of your life. Do not do this.”
I had a best friend We laughed and we cried on a daily basis Always together, in spirit and in body Sharing every minute detail Holding close all that we shared.
The suffering only stops when I’m asleep If my heart will fail to beat there’s even greater relief Maybe you sense now it doesn’t get any better Once in many lifetimes doesn’t just fade away.
I will hover in this purgatory as long as you make me If the darkness doesn’t claim my broken-heartedness first I’m all over the map in my head every minute I need to go back to sleep, it’s all too much to take.
“Staying together for the kids will not do them any favors when they have to live in a home filled with negative energy and a lack of love.”
“Studies consistently show that it’s not the divorce that hurts children; its the level of conflict between parents.”
“Don’t stay together for the kids. They should grow up knowing what happiness and love is, rather than misery and hate. Sincerely, the child of divorced but happy parents.”
“It’s like the old thing: the parents stay together for the kids, but the kids know you don’t want to be together. The kids would rather you happy – and separate – than together and miserable. I don’t want my kid to grow up around two parents who just don’t work.”
“I get sick of that old rationalization, ‘We’re staying together because of the children.’ Kids couldn’t be more miserable living with parents who can’t stand each other. They’re far better off if there’s an honest, clean divorce.”
“Children who are exposed to escalated parental conflict or disconnection can develop symptoms. These symptoms can serve as an unconscious effort to shift the parents’ attention on the child, which will distract the child’s parents from their conflict. Children are very loyal and can also take on a role of trying to prevent their parents from fighting or try to get in between fights. This is not good for the mental health of children. This is not childrens’ developmental task, but they will do it out of loyalty. Exposure to escalated conflict involving verbal, physical or behavioral battle is never good for children – especially if it goes on for years.”
My heart has never hurt this much It’s been strained unnecessarily by you Something so perfect and so pure Thwarted by your inability to sustain a shred of happiness.
This pounding in my chest will not end well Something so wrong and the blackouts ramping up Toyed by your giving all then vanishing again You have broken my heart so well.
