Category: Parenting

Lexis’s Make A Wish Candy Extravaganza.

May 1st, 2022

This morning we celebrated Lexis with the second part of her Make A Wish package…a limousine ride to a candy store shopping spree! Though the wish was hers, her sister and me were like three kids let loose in a candy store with an unlimited budget and goodness, was it a blast.

The first part of her wish took place last weekend as she received all of her many electronics she had asked for in an online shopping spree. Unwrapping her gifts, surrounded by cake and loved ones, it was a magical event. She felt so blessed and special, it brought tears to my eyes.

Excitement was in the air this morning as her limo pulled up. A first for us all and what fun it truly was. When we arrived at Sweet Fusion, the store was ours for one hour and that is exactly how long the whole operation took. The budget was $500 and she well exceeded it.

Hands were grabbing two of this, three of that. Items not usually sold in Canada made it that much more of a thrill. What a treat it was to see such joy and exhilaration in my girls; the store stocked with sugar and all of it was theirs.

Nothing will ever make up for all of these sweet girls hospital trips, hospital stays, the hundreds of needle pokes, all the specialist appointments and the ongoing pharmaceutical dispensary that our house is. But during these wonderful moments of celebrating these two amazing human beings, all the problems they endure vanish. I will always welcome times such as these.

I cannot overstate the magnitude of blessings I receive being lucky enough to father these two lovely young ladies. If it never ends I shall never complain. They have made me into the man I am today. Without each other we are nothing.

So with celebration on our hearts (and cavities already forming) into a new day we ride. Thank you, Lord for such fantastic, resilient, loving daughters you have let me borrow. My heart is full and I will not lack a thing.
Slipping Into Oblivion: Keeping Your Head Above Water With Special Needs Twins.

November 11th, 2018

I consider myself to be an exceptional parent but when wave after wave of failure comes crashing over head, in time, one begins to drown.

I am the single father of twin fifteen year old girls with many a disability under their belts. From their premature entrance into this world until this very second, cognitively, physically and emotionally, they are at lack. Those that have been following my blog, I won’t go too far back. In fact, I’d like to focus on the present state of our household with these two sweet little defenseless monsters, Lexis & Lindsey.

Health wise, Linds has been doing remarkably well since the monthly inclusion of their IVIG treatments at the Childrens hospital. Her latest battles are moreso cognitive and I’ll touch on that in a minute, as they are very similar in both girls at current. Lexis, on the other mitt, has been quite poor lately in the physical department. Her spleen is enlarged quite dramatically and her iron levels are very low. As I supplement her iron, the team of docs are looking into the spleen situation with ultrasounds and various other forms of study. She has subsequently been quite lethargic and generally unhappy and down.

Another issue with sweet Lex (or Lel as we call her.. don’t ask) is her vision. Both girls were prescribed glasses about a year ago and as Lindsey’s actually makes a difference in her vision, Lel’s glasses do not. The optometrist was literally speechless and clueless so in shipping her off to see an opthamologist, it’s become apparent there is damage and separation of her optic nerve behind her eye balls. What does this mean exactly? I’m with you. Waiting in the dark.

They are so beautiful, though. Sometimes I’ll look over at one of them and just take in who she is. These strong yet weakened, glorious yet shadowed, innocent yet seemingly paying for something angels.. they just resonate peace, amidst these ongoing battles. They radiate joy; they only know thankfulness. Then they’ll catch me staring and that smile.. covering red gums and often neglected teeth, lights up the world around them. And they don’t even know it.

These children are my life. I have been entrusted by God himself to watch over, love, defend, pour into and one day let free these hilarious characters.

Every day is a battle but the overpowering fact is love triumphs all. Because they love me, I love them and I suppose even if they hated me, my love would remain constant. Parents, aren’t we blessed?
Tapping Out/You Can’t Tap Out.

October 10th, 2018

People have often asked me how do I do it. I say I put toothpaste on the bristles and rub it furiously against my pearly whites like everybody else, what did you expect?? I kid, I kid. What the reference is is to raising 3 children (2 having learning disabilities plus major life long health issues), working, running a household, going to the gym etc. I’m always taken aback by the query and the answer is always the same.. I don’t ever stop and think about. I just do it. And I find if, for those ultra brief times of them spending a couple days my moms place or an evening with their mother, I am completely thrown off my game and need to work to re-adjust. But the bottom line is it’s just muscle memory. It’s something that needs my attention so I give it.

12 years how I’ve had custody and all that time I don’t stop and think. Until now.

What makes today different? The concentration of need is continually accelerating and my own health is also in the mix now. I’m not saying I can’t handle it (and God bless my mother for her help with all the appts she’s attended with one or both of my daughters in my place) but man, what I’d do to have a good wife or even better, have a clean (or cleaner!!) bill of health in this household.

The monthly trips to the children’s hospital for the girls IVIG treatments. The monthly bloodwork. The monitoring and doling out and replenishment of their synthroid pills. And their lax powder. And their vitamins. And their iron supplements. And their nasal sprays. And lindsey’s puffer. And the ongoing humidifier and the nose bleeds of Lexis. Hearing the constant cough of Lindsey day and night. The lethargy in both of them. Hearing Lindsey sing along to a song, only to cough her heart out throughout. The emails and calls from school. The lack of understanding. The lack of any friendships outside of each other. And I guarantee I’m forgetting other notable items to mention.

And then there’s me. Recent success with the overcoming of alcohol addiction is one good thing I have going. However, my health has apparently been declining over the past couple years. High blood pressure garnering 3 pills a day. High hemoglobin. Kidney damage. Sleep apnea. The recent foot damage then infection nightmare then bad reaction to pills resulting in anaphylactic shock. And now 2 weeks later, I am off again for a week and running another 7 day antibiotic cycle to hopefully kill off the remaining infection. And the icing? 2 weeks from tomorrow, I go for umbilical hernia surgery, taking me out of life and works picture for 7 to 10 more days. Hobbling and wobbling. Reeling and dealing. Parenting and.. anywho.

So all this being verbalized, yes, I want there to be a big, bright red button, similar to the nuclear war button, that A) pauses my responsibilities and B) doles out like 3 nurses (sure, beautiful ones!) to take care of us and the house, even just for a day. Or an hour. To be relinquished of all of this.. I can’t imagine the weight lifted off.

But then I feel guilty for wanting help. This is my life, for me to be living, not to be escaping. I love those buggers more than I could ever love myself. And so it continues as it should. I am blessed but sonofabee, it’s intensive.
Some People’s Children.

March 13th, 2018

Tonight will be my daughters’ first live NHL game and we are all quite excited. Why it’s taken this long to take them, I guess the only answer is priorities. No one in this household are sports fans on any level so that could explain it. Used to feel like I couldn’t afford certain luxuries either so now being in a more stable place financially bada boom, tonight is a go.

Nothing like a live concert or sporting event, even for the lesser sports enthusiasts. The excitement in the air, not to mention that scent of hot popcorn mingled with stale nine dollar beer. The roar of the crowd. The back and forth action. And all through the eyes and ears of two very special little girls.

Took them and my son to see the film The Greatest Showman the other day. Besides the point but I don’t know how this flick went under my radar but wow, seeing it late matters not as it is an absolutely fantastic movie on every level. The joy I received, not only from the movie, but from looking over from time to time at my daughters to catch a glimpse of them beaming, dancing in their seats and just completely absorbed in a beautiful experience. To see through their eyes.

Sometimes I wish I could see everything through their eyes. They aren’t toddlers but their disability allows them to just be so… new. Innocent. In the moment. Maybe it has nothing to do with a disability. Maybe they are just naturally the sweetest. Whatever it is, there is nothing like them.

I stepped out last night for a coffee date. Gone about an hour, tops. What do I come home to? “Daddy, we missed you so much,” followed by hugs and kisses. Most of the monotony of my life, I do take for granted, I’ll be the first to admit. But moments like those, and sometimes it’s a daily thing, I stop and let the love in. The warm fuzzies, as it were.

There is nothing like being loved. Feeling adored. There have been those that have given up and walked away, and then there are these two little angels whom I couldn’t lose their love if I tried. Some too have failed them and broken their innocent little hearts but they know daddy would never. And it’s that comfort that allows them to be so innocent and thriving. Thank you, Lord.
Best To Be Seen And Heard.

August 10th, 2017

Break out the fine china (as though I had any)! Alert the media (oh, they do care)! Assemble the mariachi band! My children are returning home!!!

Ok, so my son has only been away for one month and my daughters about half of that but to me, it might as well been a decade. They are truly my life blood and without them around me I tend to wither just a bit.

My son arrives at dawn tomorrow and my girls within a few days, if not sooner. This has been the annual family camp week down near Sundre, an event I myself have attended about thirty years of my life, minus a year or two. It’s also been a huge part of my children’s lives so what better timing for at least Jeremy to be able to go with me for its final weekend.

I miss their voices. I miss their messes. I miss their joy. I miss their squabbles. I have always prided myself on running a tidy homestead but in their absence, I might be known to go into Lexis’s room and if not for a moment, bask in the chaos of the unkempt.

I miss their need of me. I am displaced without. I have no one to nurture, to care for or to give to. The quiet isn’t what I need. I much prefer the sounds of life, all around me, even interrupting a Saturday nap. I’d take that any day over these solitary days of silent monotony.

I am beyond blessed with those three and I don’t need their absence to remind me of that. I may forget alot but their importance will never be taken for granted.

Get home. Doing ones own dishes holds no challenge…
A Perfect Circle.

June 19th, 2017

Many things have been lost or stripped away but one thing will never fail and that is that I am a father.

I have found jobs then lost them. Found salvation then walked away, only to re-find it. I have found romantic relationships then lost them. There’s been horrible sickness, vehicle accidents, failures, victories, promotions, physical goals met then lost.

Just like the next person, this thing they call life is jam packed with ups and downs, highs and lows, and plenty of in-betweens. I’ve had jump starts of success here and there but I’ve always remained a solid father. Some that know me close enough might even say a good father. And if that’s all I’ll ever really be, then I’ve done something right.

I never had a father in my life. The times he was around, he wasn’t really. My mother had to be both roles to me and that is what I am to my three beautiful blessings.

And though I’ve never really looked at it like this but my mother recently said something along the lines that through all our families turmoil and trying times, I have been the children’s rock. Homes, schools, people, jobs, pets have come and gone but I have been there with and for them since day one and that is such a high compliment to embrace. Its not a title I won or a name I earned, it’s just what I am. And it, in turn, solidifies in my children’s minds the mirrored image of God the ultimate father. Never leaving, always listening, always loving.

Nothing has given me more reward. I used to tell people that Jeremy, my first born, coming along saved my life and nothing could be more true. I would die for any of them, just as you would for yours.

What an amazing journey, this thing they call parenthood. To all parents, not just the fathers… keep on keeping on. Nothing is more important. Pour into them. Lead by example. Actions do truly speak louder than words. And all those other cheesy sentiments… they are for real.

Nobody loves you more than your child. And the relationship is a perfect circle of reciprocated adoration. Happy Father’s/parents day!
Separation Anxiety 2.0

April 19th, 2017

Recently, I was hired on at a Red Deer oil field company. Yay me, right? I get responses such as. “Wow that’s alot of money!” and “Congrats!” and “Oh good yo hear the economy is bouncing back”. I can’t speak for the economy but I am glad to have secured a quote unquote career witj amazing financial and other benefits. Great, right? I’m terrified.

No, I’m not afraid of the camps. I’m not scared of the twelve hour shifts. What I am very nervous about is being away from my family 15-20 days a month, give or take.

Up until two years ago, me being a single father of three for forever was my definition; it’s who I was and still am. Yes I’m married now and time away from my wife won’t be fun either. But these kids. And needy, special needs, abandoned by their bio mom and still at a distance, sadly, from their stepmom.

I’ve done lots of things in this world, both good and bad. The one thing I committed my life too in raising children professionally and doing all I could to be the best father and the centre of the world to my three babies. In a sense, the transition of me being away from them and my wife as well as my surroundings will be harder on me than them. A learning curve for us all, I guess.

The road to training has been an eye opener health wise for me. I am finishing this post as I sit waiting for blood work, the third time in a week. In the past month I have discovered I have high blood pressure, that I have some blood and protein in urine and I currently have what was loosely diagnosed as a kidney infection, after spending half the day in the hospital yesterday.

I feel like this whole thing has been a wake up call for me on many levels. I am able to see and improve my health issues before they/I get worse. It’s allowed me to stop the rush rush of life and temporarily slow down and address areas of importance and of course I am now able to work through separation issues and be the provider I need to be.

All in all, life is good. I’m not going to die (fingers crossed) and we will all adapt.. in the name of something better. In the mean time, if there ever was a time to play the lottery….
Not Even The Icebergs Tip

February 19th, 2017

We have been running into major difficulties with my twin daughter’s as of late and the troubles seem to escalate, dare I say, daily.

Origins of the behaviours.

Without too much back story, as even just a little would fill up this blog space, my girls have always had the deck more-than stacked against them. Paralysis (temporary but still) from immunizations and no doubt the mastermind behind ninety percent of their undiagnosed behaviours was problem number two. Number one was an extremely premature birth.

Separation from their bio mom (though never as doubted even by her that they were and are better off being raised by me) contributed. Moving schools and cities have contributed. Their hypothyroidism has been a factor, as their peers and brother grows, they remain practically the same.

The newest major change in their young life has been the addition of a wife to their daddy, equating a step mom for them to love and be loved by. It hasn’t been easy… just ask any of the four of us involved. Two years in to this marriage and they still barely listen to or respect her. I hoped for unity and a better life for us all and in that sense, it’s only gotten worse.

Fast forward to this past summer and fall where we moved to a new city and the girls got lost on their way home from the park. For 6 hours, they walked in generally one direction, somehow assuming they’d get to their own front doorstep. Through many tears and heart felt prayers, and a call to the police, they were located and brought home safe, though disheveled, scared and cold. And then when school fired up, they missed the bus a hand full of times getting lost on the way to or from.

Things were definitely unraveling.

Over the subsequent autumm and now into the winter months, each day is a trial. Actually, rarely one trial but several and painful. The art of being instructed what to do, then not doing what they were told to do and then the fallout of us finding out and the painful conversations sounding like this.

Parent: We’ve told you time and time again to NOT going into our bedroom and definitely not to steal things that do not belong to you. Why did you do it?!!

Twin A or B: (lengthy pause) I don’t know.

Always the ‘I don’t know’. You can see the blankness in their faces when they deliver this wretched answer. They are lost inside and as much as it infuriates us, it is monumentally so sad.

We never asked for these extra challenges as parents and they don’t deserve to not understand themselves, let alone us or anyone else. We need outside help and are desperately looking into many angles including their native band, government support, medical doctors, respite care and anything in between to make this journey just one iota easier for us all.

I have no doubt that, with help, prayer and time, the girls will be able to live the closest to normal lives as possible as they advance into adulthood. However, as of now, we’re functioning in a world of total darkness, with the four of us walking head first into corners and dead ends, where everybody ends up worse off and hurting. One foot in front of the other I guess, all the while keeping fingers crossed that a flashlight or me God, a massive floodlight been shone on the road ahead of us.
Each Tear Creates a Rainbow

October 23rd, 2015

They say you’re supposed to cherish each moment while your children grow up, because before you know it, it’s over and they’re gone, fully transformed into adults.

Luckily, I have been enjoying those moments; the good and the bad. Luckily, I have seen them at their worst and lowest: whether paralyzed, dealing with the removal of their mother, learning disabilities in school and in home, countless doctors and specialists visits with prescriptions after prescriptions, and being at the mercy of one another (twins forever). Luckily, I have seen them at their best: those happy, giddy smiles, excelling in a school assignment and beaming about it, helping and feeling the reward of joy, and desperately wanting love and seeing them receive it.

The children I refer to are my twin daughters who are turning twelve years old tomorrow. To spend a day with them, whether looking at their stature or understanding their mindsets, you would think they were 7, maybe 8 years old. This is due to possible pregnancy complications, temporary paralysis at the age of 2 and the diagnosis of hypothyroidism.

Physically, they are very weak; slow to get down and get up. They have the bone structure of a 7 year old. Their bodies are slow developing and each milestone is postponed, even puberty now.

Cognitively, I know they are highly intelligeht; there is a lot going on up there. But on paper, they are the children who need Aids in school and cannot focus and function like others. Basic math equations are lost on them, while the rest of their peers are knee-deep in division and multiplication. Their reading skills are on par with the class, even higher than some, but there is little to no comprehension. Musically and art wise, they function extremely well. Memory can be top notch, quoting entire movies word for word.

Emotionally, they are scarred yet heal more every day. They still gravitate to children’s cartoons that gave them comfort at one time but are now encouraged to watch things and participate in games more age appropriate.

A lot of these gradual nudges and improvements have been orchestrated and carried out by their new stepmother. They have yearned for a full-time mother for years and are now embracing my wife. It’s been a more than trying almost-year. They push her buttons and though they love her down inside, they often exhibit behaviors that show my wife she isn’t fit to be respected or listened to, and it’s caused her much strain and stress. My daughter’s are disciplined on a multi daily basis, always being corrected on some issue pertaining to not listening and they have this way about them that not a lot resonates or sticks. Barely in one ear and even faster out the other.

They are the loves of my life, and how blessed I am to have 2 new loves…my wife and her daughter (my third!)! I am truly rich, truly blessed.

And so on this eve of their 12th birthday, I celebrate them. My eyes water at the fact that they have lived and seen a lot in a short time. They have been given a rough road; physically, emotionally and pretty much every which way you look at it. They are survivors and they will conquer this world one step at a time together. I can’t imagine being apart from either of them. My heart screams for my wife who is currently without her daughter, residing with her father. How blessed I am to do this walk with them! Thank you God for these 2 little angels.

Happy birthday, Lexis and Lindsey. Daddy loves you more than you will ever know.
A Different Kind of Father

July 29th, 2015

An important date at his daughters school arrives and he’s promised her he will be there, no matter what. The assembly begins, and he’s no where to be seen. Other parents trickle in late over the next 10 minutes and each time the auditorium door opens, her little heart jumps and tumbles. But every time she’s left empty and let down, because he didn’t keep his promise. A little piece of her breaks inside.

The safety in her home isn’t what she focused on, it was something she took for granted. Snow days, summer holidays and Easter were some of her favorite times, especially when daddy was around. But one time he was very angry with mommy and he hurt her, then he hit his daughter too. He had apologized and she had forgiven him aloud but life was never the same after that. Holidays held no more magic and laughter came few and far between. Inside her was a broken girl, needing to be whole again.

Barely knowing him to be begin with made it easier, him working away and being home for maybe 2 weeks out of the year. Why did he even come home? He didn’t know her, or her brothers. It seemed like he barely knew mommy. Going to friends homes, it always felt so weird and so out of place sitting around the dinner table with their fathers. He’d make jokes and tickle them and tell stories, and all she could think about is where was my father and why didn’t he care enough about me to want to see me all the time?

She had a vague memory of him when he wasn’t behind bars. The occasional truck ride, or an ice cream run made her smile. But now all she knows is hee family visits daddy at the penitentiary every Saturday morning. And every time she sees him he’s smaller and older and has nothing to offer her. Most weeks she refuses to come but is forced by her mother, whose heart breaks every time.

Every Sunday morning, he’s up before mommy and up before anybody else in the house. She woke by her nose inhaling hot pancakes and scrambled eggs and bacon cooked just the way she liked. She’d run down the stairs, not caring how loud her excitement was and he’d be waiting at the bottom of the steps, ready to catch his adoring daughter. He’d spin her around and tell her that this is her day and that her daddy loves her more than anything in the world. Her heart was so cemented in acceptance and love; it gave her wings to fly.

He’d been gone off and on for nearly three years and he’d missed lots of school events and a few recitals, but she loved her daddy more than anything in the world. From Afghanistan, he watched her piano recital and he video called her almost daily, every night right before she went to sleep, no matter how hectic and trying his day was. She knew how much he sacrificed for her and she knew in her heart of hearts that the kind of love he had for her was very uncommon and that she had lucked out big time.

Her daddy died just the other day. He uplifted her and gave her all that she ever needed, all 52 years of her life. Often he never had much physically to give, but his time and his patience and his availability and his love for her fulfilled all she ever needed or could ever ask for. At his funeral, she celebrated his life through tears, laughter and a smile ear to ear that showed all in attendance how much difference one man…a great father…can make.

What kind of daddy are you? Maybe a combination or possibly one I’ve not touched on. Regardless, time is of the essence. Who your daughter/s are and will be is completely up to you. Don’t squander this chance you’ve been given. Watch her blossom and give back, not die and die again. Tomorrow is too late; become who you need to be this moment. She will thank you in the end.
True Fathers

October 4th, 2014

To the sperm donors, this is not for you. Or the absentee fathers. Or the, “Who really is my father?!” fathers. I’m talking about the real dads, the genuine men.

Do you know your father? Do you know who he is, who he was and who he wants to be? Being a single dad pretty much all of my kids lives, I feel confident they know me through and through. They don’t see quite all, nor should they, but they see who I am. The struggles I face, the work I do, the victories I win, the future I plan. I have hope and confidence that my son will one day be a wonderful father, and that my twin daughter’s won’t grow up with “daddy issues”.

We should all have that opportunity, right? To have the blessing of seeing a not perfect parent, yet pretty flipping amazing role model daily. It’s not a prerequisite; I did not have an ideal, adoring, time-well-spent father just like many people, yet I chose to not repeat what I saw growing up. I’m probably him more than I’d like to think, but ultimately I feel like I’ve exceeded light years past his version of fatherhood.

What if your father was Darth Vader? I guess look at Luke Skywalker. I’d assume a pretty good dad, unless of course he still fancied his sister and ended up marrying her. His kids might be a tad messed up. Or what about Lord Denethor from LOTR The Return of the King? He was a lunatic and a ridiculously bad father, attempting to burn his son alive, after learning his favorite son was killed. They were pretty bad ass dudes, Boramir and Faramir. I bet they would have broken the cycle just fine.

So a salute is most definitely in order for those men that are willing to lead, to listen, to discipline and to love unconditionally. These men are far from perfect, but they all make a clear choice to put in the effort and to go the distance, no matter what obstacle life sets in the way. And for those with a Homer Simpson, or a Hannibal Lecter for a daddy…whoever you are, you too can make that decision to exceed what was passed down to you and raise up some truly awesome children.

1 comment:

Julia June 2014 12:32

I think you’re truly doing an amazing job and have 3 beautiful, smart and wonderful kids to show for it. I know that even if all else fails you put your kids first and would do anything for them because they are, like it should be, always number one.
Love this post! 🙂