Daily, lately anyway, I’m reminded that one of the most painful parts of this life is loss. Romantic loss, to be specific.
It has been said that it is better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all. With this, I agree. Though my heart has been torn to shreds, yet only to heal the best that it can, I am much happier I have known the intimacies of a woman than to not and to have gotten through life thus far unscathed.
In my head, and mind you I was decades younger, I scoffed at my sisters marrying basically the first guy to come along (I know this isn’t completely accurate, so bear with me, sisters). I always thought you should date more, and peruse more before making that lifelong investment. But who was I to say… both have been with the same spouse for many successful years! Touche.
And then there’s me. Accidental impregnation, leading me to “do the right thing”, only to, many years later, realize I needn’t sell myself short in order for the kids to have a two parent household. Shortly thereafter, I find what seems perfect love, only catch is she’s feeling over her head and backs out, leaving me for the first time gutted and mangled by the side of the road, with my heart in a box in my hands reading “Return to sender”.
Then I dove head first into dating sites, always anxiously looking but finding nothing to write home about. If I could get back just a fraction of all the time I spent on those bloody sites and in communication.. ugh. Then something special came along but wasn’t right. Then something came along that was amazing and I messed it up royally due to hanging onto my past. Then other riff raff to book mark that chapter of “seek and destroy”, because the next woman to glide into my life was my wife.
You know, through all the ups n downs, and the drama, and the liquor I loved her a lot and haven’t been the same six months later. Semi-hollow and trying to navigate this thing called life, acceptedly alone for my remaining years or so it feels. Yes, I was cheated, that will always remain. There was no quit. People of our caliber don’t do that. It’s weakness, not strength.
And so the great comedy which is life continues to perpetuate itself. And its Christmas! I’ve got my kids and my cat, and my tears. Some would say I’m a rich man. I would say I’m an ever evolving, masterpiece in progress, left for dead by those that have loved me but hey, I digress. I been doing that a lot lately.