Emotions are coming hard and fast. I’m not the guy who never cries but I mean overall I am not overly a fountain of raw emotion. The past few days, however, has been a sea of deep feelings and I know their importance.
Just a few weeks ago, I had a wife, four children including a step-daughter and two cats, neither of which I really wanted but whatever, that was my life. The cats, not the step-daughter. Now I am single with two kids under my roof and no pets. I’m mad, sad, discouraged, crushed, disgusted, displaced, unsure and spent from all the emotion.
No, I care not to express reasons of marriage failure nor do I have any urge to smudge her name. It’s all one big shame and a lot to not only stand back and look at, but to heal from. Slowly.
Think I’m in denial. It’s the shock of it all more than anything. And to think this could have easily been avoided, had I not only talked the talk of working on it and not putting it into action. I don’t know, maybe that would have failed too.
Failure is a big word and not easy to stomach. Sure, two can tango but ultimately the same two feel the sting of it all going away in front of them. Regardless of if it’s for the best or not, this is not a happy place to be in.
So much darkness. Hard, at times, not to let it in and wallow in it. I hear misery loves company yet I feel alone in this abandonment. I also hear it’s key to allow oneself to feel the weight of it, to let it sink in. To not medicate it away or to jump into something new with somebody and carry and bury that grief inside, exposing them to your darkness.
One day the waves of loss and sadness will settle and peace will rush in. The wound will heal and not be forgotten as the scar tissue will never be erased. The heart and soul will mend, never back to what it was before but at least the brokeness will not forever linger. I will regain focus and drive and ultimately be me again.