Tag: funny
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Deader Than A Doornail-5)
And just like that, the interrogation began. “You mean you made us crash and die? What a douche!” Elliot asked. Beverly was more infuriated. “W-w-who are you then? Mr Mephistopheles??” Ralph pointed a finger to the ground, meaning stone cold business. “I want answers, guy. Answers! You hear me!?” The quiet old codger took a […]
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Deader Than A Doornail-4)
Bev Jr is busy hating her existance. She had become more alone and sullen than she normally was, which was saying something. She’d just drive (and fast), and question why she was this living zombie and why she didn’t just stay dead. Unlike everyone else in the fam jam, she could not just look past […]
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Deader Than A Doornail-3)
The next morning, Tuesday, I’m meaning, the family stood and sat in the kitchen, eating breakfast and talking loudly. Elliot was very open with his confession. “Why do I have xray vision..?” His dad cut him off, with a big grin. “Aw, son, that’s fantastic news! As I young boy, it was my one wish […]
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Deader Than A Doornail-2)
The Doornail family, Ralph, Beverly, Elliot and Bev Jr, sat quietly around the oval kitchen table. Beverly had prepared a giant breakfast fit for the undead and it was cooling rapidly before them. They looked around at the spread, then up at each other without word and without expression. Bev Jr broke the ice. “Um, […]
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Deader Than A Doornail-1)
As the sun set slowly in the east, the McDougal family sedan soared through air and crashed violently into Caliko Lake, fully emersed by the drink in mere seconds. The man who sent them into their watery graves sat behind the wheel of his old farm truck, in a daze of disbelief, smoke funneling out […]
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The Misadventures of Sleep Apnea Guy-1)
Our undecided hero Preston is sitting at an overly large table in a very upscale restaurant, accompanied by a pretty girl with a shoulder length blonde bob seated directly across from him. The restaurant is well lit. There is the finest china on each table. Patrons and servers alike are dressed to the nines. The […]
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Licorice Lifestyle and Other Unquotable Quotes.
“Life is like a bag of licorice. You ALWAYS know what you’re going to get. And its sweet. And also chewy.” “You can only rot for so long before understanding the meaning of intrepidation.” “There are 3 concepts every person should live by: 1) Never look yourself in the eye in a mirror, 2) Never […]
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Dennis Dofino Wants His 7 Dollars Back.
We all know a Dennis Dofino. Or we’ve been a Dennis Dofino. Some goofy kid has lent us his lunch money and we have yet to pay the bugger back. Not because we can’t, but because we won’t. We never see him, only on Facebook. Always on Facebook. And he makes it known alright. “Where’s […]
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Spag ‘n Meat Sauce (from my upcoming recipe book for the incompetent male).
This is a two-parter because.. well, it has two parts. The pasta part and the meat sauce part, ya get me? I mean, who doesn’t love this classic meal? I’ll show you a new spin on this Kentucky favorite and (spoiler alert.. it involves stealing then murdering your own cow!! How cool is that?) With […]
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Buried Yet Breathing36.
“You. Without direction, you did not do well, did you? How did you lead? By killing innocence, altering planned deaths and confusing eternal destinations, when I had all aligned from the beginning of time? Was that your battle to wage? Are you the Keeper of Promises?” With that last statement, He rose off His throne […]
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Creamed Tuna’r On Toast (From my upcoming recipe book for incompetent men).
I friggin’ love this recipe. In theory, it seems kinda nasty and it doesn’t look any more appealing but once you sink your beigey whites into it, your mouth will be curling its toes in utter delight. Its healthy attributes compliment this number twelve-fold, and just the subtle combination of tuna and warm, toasted bread […]
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Buried Yet Breathing8.
The boys did their best at sitting Peter up, by way of positioning themselves on either side of him, bookending him. Henry whispered to his brother, “Sorry I never cleared the lawn. Didn’t expect all this.” Peter turned his head slowly to look at his brother, then nodded. Mother, now conscious and more emotional than […]