Tag: recipe

Jello Cake or Two Layer Poke Cake (from my upcoming recipe book for the incompetent male).

December 30th, 2017

This was my sister’s fav come birthday season when we were younger. Yesteryear, some might be inclined to say. For one reason or another, I’ve adopted a fierce love of it as a man in his mid-to-late thirties. And the kicker? I’m the only one in the house who enjoys it so when I whip one of these bad boys up, it’s all for moi. On that note, let’s do this.

Obligatory Ingredients: White cake mix, Lime Jello mix, Cherry Jello Mix, Cool Whip.

1) Whip up that cake mix as per instructions on the box. Pour batter into 2 circular pans and bake. Then let those mutha’s cool.

2) Grab yourself a fork. A spork will work just as good. I suppose a pitchfork would do the job as well. Thrust it through the top of the cake, puncturing it good. Do this stabbing motion I’d say, give or take, twenty some times, making many a-hole.

3) Next, let us focus on the Jello mixes. Typically, in making actual jiggly Jello, one would mix the powder with one cup boiling water then adding one cup cold. But with this here cake, we go’n mix it up, son. Literally and legally. Mix one packet with one cup boiling h20 then pour it on the cake, slow ‘n steady like. GENTLY! Repeat same process with the other flavor on the other cake.

4) This is my favourite part, well, second to putting the finished product into my mouth. The cakes need to chill. Again… literally and imperatively. Full-on chill-pill, down the hatch. Let them sit in the refrigerator for at least an hour, if not deuce. This gives you ample time to either nap or catch up on the newest season of that crowd pleasing, Emmy award winning show Gilligan’s Island. Everyone from the original series is long dead but you still get the same feel and can enjoy a new breed of island hijinx and unorthodox shenanigans.

5) Now, the real fun begins. Remove cakes from the fridge and don’t just close that door but slam it with all your might. With a knife, gently (GENTLY!) remove one of the cakes. This can be a little trying if you’re doing it wrong but since there’s no such thing as doing it right, you’re screwed just like anybody else. One way or another, by scraping the edges and slapping the bottom of said pan like an unburpable baby.. either the cake falls gently (GENTLY!) into your palm or the effin thing comes out in eighteen different cake chunks, and that’s if you’re lucky.

6) Place cake on platter or whatevs and apply Cool Whip liberally to the top and edges. Then, and stressfully so, gently (GENTLY!) place on top of the first one and repeat icing procedure. Then guess what, guy? You done did it. How does it feel? This might be the most success you’ll ever taste, and literally. Enjoy, Mister. You’ve earned it.

Sidenotes…

-Ahhhh, cake. An aphrodisiac of the highest level. So light. So fluffy. So calorie laden. So ready to sit comfortably on your hips, man-boobs and love handles.

-Did you know that Cool Whip originally was used as a cooling agent/lubricator in a vehicle’s master cylinder? The ingredients would bind to the cylinder head and allow moisturized, yet cool air to envelope the shaft. When the company decided to market it as an oil based dessert topping, the name just stuck. Cool Whip. You be the judge.

-Two good things can come out of eating an entire cake batter, pre-cooked:

1) It’s an understatement how utterly delicious the journey is, every step of the way. Every lick o’ the spoon. Every swipe of the spatula. As much as I adore eating a cake, eating the batter is seventy-five thousand percent more heavenly.

2) You can gain weight EXTREMELY fast. I know what you’re thinking.. most humans want the opposite of that but consider this. The fatter you are, the warmer you’ll be come winter. Fat insulates. Fat provides many blessings for many folks, so try it today. You may just thank me.
Spag ‘n Meat Sauce (from my upcoming recipe book for the incompetent male).

December 17th, 2017

This is a two-parter because.. well, it has two parts. The pasta part and the meat sauce part, ya get me? I mean, who doesn’t love this classic meal? I’ll show you a new spin on this Kentucky favorite and (spoiler alert.. it involves stealing then murdering your own cow!! How cool is that?) With the pasta side of things, we won’t delve too deeply. As interesting as it is to make your own pasta from scratch, you know what I find to be a smarter choice? Opening a package and using that. So shall we?

What a dude needs: A good woman, a nice pair of denim slacks, a remote control, a fresh pack of cigs.

What a dude needs to complete this enchanting recipe: A box or bag of spaghetti, A pound or so of Ground Beef, A can of tomato/pasta sauce (any brand or variety), a pot, a frying pan, a ladle, a spoon.

The Meat Sauce:

1) Dial a burner up to a 6. Take your beef out of the package and drop into your sizzly frying pan. One step closer to the end, friend.

2) Fry the heck out of it, meanwhile breaking it up into miniscule meat crumbs with your trusty spatula. Drain fat as applicable. No, I’m not about to tell you how. You’re a big boy. Literally. To be continued…

The Spaghetti:

1) Now’s about a grand time to start boiling your pot ‘o water, obviously cranking your burner dial to a competent ‘high’.

2) When it reaches a full-on boil, put a bunch of spaghetti in. I never get this right so you won’t either. It’s always either way too much or too friggin little. You be the judge.

The Meat Sauce:

3) Back to the sauce. At this point, your beef is browned. With your knob turned down to a 3, pour on your tomato sauce and mix thoroughly with the meat. I’ve been known to sprinkle in a few spices when the moon aligns, for good measure. I’m talking about a lil garlic powder, a lil salt ‘n pepper and ya, that about covers it. Then literally cover it.

The Spaghetti:

3) Do not overcook or I will end you. Drain it and put it back in your pot. Cover it. Then breathe.

The Meat Sauce:

4) Stir here and there, and by now it will be done.

Combine the two on a plate and devour. You’re welcome.

Sidenotes…

-It has been said that the average North American household goes through one hundred and seventy seven metric tons of pasta every year. It has also been said that Angel Food cake should be served at every restaurant, including McDonald’s and Edo. I said both of these quotes. Hence, “it has been said”.

-A list of favorites to join this meal: 1) Garlic Bread! 2) Corn cobs! 3) Corn bread! 4) Corn cobs! 5) Corn! 6) Cream corn! 7) Fresh buns!

-I really should take the time to learn that whole twist-your-spaghetti-on-a-spoon-before-you-eat-it technique. I’m the guy who’s sucking that stuff up, sauce spraying all over my nose and chin, actin’ a fool at dinner parties around the globe since ’91.

-You’ll notice how I went with using a can of store bought tomato sauce to use for the meat sauce, minus a few spices. My wife would roll over in her grave (if she were dead) if she saw me instructing you in these ways. Her sauce is incredible, stocked with fresh veggies and this, that and the other effin’ thing. But hey, my recipe is basic for a reason. So ultimately, I’m the best and she’s the worst.
Creamed Tuna’r On Toast (From my upcoming recipe book for incompetent men).

November 6th, 2017

I friggin’ love this recipe. In theory, it seems kinda nasty and it doesn’t look any more appealing but once you sink your beigey whites into it, your mouth will be curling its toes in utter delight. Its healthy attributes compliment this number twelve-fold, and just the subtle combination of tuna and warm, toasted bread with a thimble full of sweet summer peas makes this bad boy scream, “Eat me!”. Let’s dive in feet first. I want you devouring this ASAP.

Items strongly recommended for successfully pulling this recipe off:

2 cans of Albuquerque tuna (just kidding.. any kind will do. But say Albuquerque out loud once or twice). 2-3 cups milk, chilled to the bone. A gentle roux (melted margarine and flour). Bread, 4-6 slices. 1 cup or so of frozen peas. A frying pan. A spatula. A toaster. Measuring spoons and cups. The will to live.
1) Doin’ the roux. This word is new to me but I must say its zaniness is preceded only by its authenticity. Place your frying pan on a burner and jack up the heat to about a mid-level. Measure out a tablespoon of margarine and plop it onto the searing heat of said pan. It will melt. Oh yes, it will. And as it magically turns from a solid to a liquid format, you’re gonna wanna put in a tablespoon or so of white flour into your melty marg, then blend in until you have floury paste of sorts. You did it, hombre. That was the most difficult part of this whole recipe. Breathe easy and smoke ’em if you got ’em.
2) Take a 1 cup measuring cup and fill it to the brim with cold milk. Pour into pan. Repeat once more, this time without breathing a single breath. Give the concoction a little stir. Place a lid on the pan and wait and watch with baited breath, until you can confirm legally with your eyeballs that a rolling boil has commenced. High fives. You’re an amazing specimen.
3) At this point in the festivities, open your two cans of tuna fish. I personally don’t give a crap how you accomplish this, just get them lidless. With a fork, scoop out the dead contents of both cans into the milky hot soup you know have in your pan. Stir that stuff all up, and do it like a man. Atta’ guy.
4) You’re probably going to wanna add say another cup of milk. I also season the hot mess at this point with some serious salt and pepper. Go to town. Literally. Then when you get back, put some salt and peppy on it.
5) I now keep the lid off for the duration, and I’ll wind the heat knob down to say a 3, allowing just enough heat to thicken up the fishy dealio that you have created with your bare hands like the champ that you are. We aren’t done yet but oh, so close. Soon, it’ll be rolling around your taste buds like a…something in a something or other.
6) The creamed tuna is ready. Add another splish of pepper and a sploosh of salt, for good measure. Next, toast up some bread and warm up your peas. No, I haven’t the time, money or patience to explain this recipe-within-the-recipe at the moment so if you needn’t know how, I’m going to have to refer you to the Googletron.
7) Last but not least, to cap off this extraordinary culinary journey, take your toast and put ’em side by side on your plate. Not top to bottom nor corner to corner, but side to side. This is imperative. Then, scoop out your creamed tuna’r onto the toast. There you go, you got this. And last, and definitely least, sprinkle some warm peas on top, as though you were living life on Uranus and it was raining again. Only thing is, on Uranus, the rain looks like peas.
8) Great success!! Now all there is to do is to sit your heinie down, grab a fork and knife, slice up those toasts and put food in mouth. The end.
Sidenotes…

-Remember that childhood song of yesteryear? It definitely comes to mind. “Diarrhea (double stuccato fart sound), Diarrhea (double stuccato fart sound), People think it’s gross but it’s really good on toast, Diarrhea (2 sounds), Diarrhea (you get it)”.
-My wife hates this. Yes, the song too but I was meaning the recipe. God rest her soul, she meant well. My parents and siblings all love it. Other humans probably do as well, right? So I’m saying you’re going to love it, too. Or you’ll hate it. One or the other.
-Do you enjoy fishing? I sure as heck do, though I don’t have a rod. Anyway, my point is if I could catch a bunch of tuna, then employ a room full of sweat shop style workers to can it for me? Just sayin’ I’d be eating a lot of creamed tuna on toast, and with an ear to ear grin.
-Ever burn yourself on a hot pan as a kid? Ya, you did. We all did. Even as an adult, you did, just admit it. Why you lyin’? I know when you aren’t telling the truth, so why do it? We’re all adults here, k. So fit in. Lie less. Or more, your call. Just do it smarter, okay?
Soup and Sandwiches

June 3rd, 2015

This is a literal blog about literal soup and sandwiches.

Take two pieces of bread. Health-wise, I don’t prefer white but let’s face it, it’s the tastiest. Next, I’m talkin about taking a nice size dallop of margarine (any brand will do) and smearing the heck out if it onto the two slabs of bread.

Oh ya…slam a frying pan down on a burner and crank the heat to say medium-ish. When you’ve touched said pan and have received a nice little burn on the palm of your hand, this signifies the timing of dropping one bread, margarine side down, onto the semi-hot pan.

At this point in the game, you’re going to want to either slice some cheddar or use cheese slices and load up the naked face of your bread. Yes, I said naked face. Upon completion, seal it up with the other piece of bread, preferably margarine side up.

After maybe three minutes, give or take, flip it and toast up the other side. Wait another three then voila, shut the heat off and slap that steaming sandwich onto a plate of your choosing.

Previous to this sandwich cookery, follow these applicable steps in order to whip up a nice boiling pot-o-soup, to compliment your delightful sandwich.

Grab a can of soup. Any can. Open it (you figure that part out). Dump contents into a decent to small size pot on a lit burner, again, around the medium heat range. Next, you’re going to want to either mix in a can of milk or a can water (read your can and do the math. I can’t hold your hand through everything in this life).

Then grab a whisker (not from your cat. I’m talking about that mixing dealio thingy). Mix the flip out of your concoction, until it looks no longer chunky. Stir occasionally and sip to see how hot it’s getting. Don’t let too many people see that part, as they may be disgusted by germs and the like.

Basically, within about five minutes or so, it should be done. Scoop a couple huge ladles worth into a bowl and dig in, literally.

And there you have it. Soup and sandwiches. Any other questions?! I didn’t think so.

Tag: recipe

Jello Cake or Two Layer Poke Cake (from my upcoming recipe book for the incompetent male).

Spag ‘n Meat Sauce (from my upcoming recipe book for the incompetent male).

Creamed Tuna’r On Toast (From my upcoming recipe book for incompetent men).

Soup and Sandwiches