Tag: sober

Lifestyle180: Day 5.

July 27th, 2018

Today is the fifth day of my sobriety and the third day of my new job. And you know what? I couldn’t be happier.

Ok, that’s dumb, I instantly regret saying that because sure, I could be way happier but the bottom line is things are moving along quite well in my new realm of living.

9am

Is it ridiculous to say that I’m loving this new job? Everything just seems like such a blessing lately and it must be the clarity. A great group of folks, time by myself, a bit of a workout and the time just flies. Feeling so refreshed and clear, its amazing. Day 5 is the furthest I’ve gotten: once a few weeks ago and then back in November.

5pm

Completely friggin exhausted. In a good way, if there was one. This job is fantastic in all aspects, though for a guy new to the workplace, it is somewhat draining. And before, I would yearn for a night of drinking as a way to unwind or de-stress, though ultimately it was winding me up in ways I didn’t know existed. Now, I’m good with a big ol’ snack and some down time then early bed. Old age (and normalcy) has crept up on me.

930pm

Exhausted times a hundred. Probably wasn’t the best idea to do a huge Walmart run and then go swimming but hey, I said it so it had to happen. Even now, the thoughts and cravings have been overcome. It’s actually kinda scary if I stop and think about it so why bother, right? The scariness is that I feel like I’ve always been a non-drinker. This here now isn’t weird, it’s normal. Which is super odd.

Yes, I plan on getting back to writing blogs about other things then my sobriety progress but for now, this is what emanates from me. Looking very forward to Saturday when I celebrate one week boozeless! This is really happening. This is really happening.
Lifestyle180: Day 2.

July 24th, 2018

8am

Laid in bed wide eyed for nearly three hours last night before a friend suggested trying melatonin. Popped two and washed them down with a bowl of frosted flakes around 130am. Next thing I knew, I was up to hit the bathroom around 3 and from there I slept solid until 8. Groggy as all heck. But pleased to be on day deuce.

230pm

I fully realize that this journey isn’t some cake walk but it must just be my shifted mindset because there is no quit in me now. I will not go off course. Such a shame that I had the worlds biggest cheerleader walking this trek with me and now those airwaves are dead. I’m hoping they can see the success through here, at any rate but if not, so be it. Today is my girls monthly IVIG treatment at the Childrens Hospital and my mother was nice enough to go with them this time. I will be leaving to meet up and pick them up in a few hours, leading into a chill supper and evening.

8pm

I don’t feel the need to further do this as a daily series. When I tried a week ago, it was the battle that I knew or thought I was fighting, and had minute-to-minute struggles etc worthy of documentation. But like I said earlier, a switch has been flipped. This is solely will power. I’m a freight train enroute and there ain’t no derailment. I will put in a weekly posting or a weekly side note in one of my postings, as to show I’m still on track.

Is it immature to think there won’t be moments of weakness and moments of disparity? Definitely. But I’m tackling this differently this time, with or without a support system.

9pm

The witching hour is upon me but it holds no power. I am no longer in chains to a master I do not wish to be serving. I am free. And this free guy will be warming up some leftover burger patties in a few here and will have some down time before bed. I’m excited to start a new job in the morning so hopefully sleep isn’t the issue that it was last night. This job is a perfect fit for me, I feel so blessed in where I am right now. Pressing on!
Lifestyle180: Day 1.

July 23rd, 2018

Lifestyle180 is me picking up where I failed with the Healing Through Writing narrative. I gave up on that as I felt writing about it, coupled with the let down of a break up, added alot of pressure to something that seemed insurmountable on it’s own. But it’s not. It’s as easy as flipping a switch and not focusing on what I am leaving but embracing what I’m running towards.

It’s 4pm and I feel great about this change. I’m off to the gym now then I’m whipping up some mushroom burgers on the barbie. Later this evening I will have a gigantic snack during the time I normally drink and then I will be good for the night. That, or hit up the cinema.

Sidenote: Absolutely destroying arms in the gym. Besides parenting, focus for the gym is the one thing I haven’t lost or has been taken from me. I look forward to even longer, heavier workouts without the daily hangovers. I also look forward to my bloated gut shrinking and man boobs dissipating, if you get what I’m saying.

Its 8pm and feeling strong. Going for a walk with my girls before relaxing a bit before bed, sober. I have my mind fully engaged in where I want to go, and leave what’s been my comfort and my home. So much time has been wasted, I’m so over it. The time has come to cross this divide! And with God on my side.

It’s almost 9pm and I have arrived. I have beaten the drink tonight. About to grab some Subway so I can eat fresh and watch at least a bit of Unsane, a movie I’ve been wanting to see for months (shot entirely on an iphone!). Day 2 tomorrow. That is all.
Healing Through Writing: Day 1-Take 3.

July 16th, 2018

Today’s been a fairly blah, though relaxing day and I think I figured out the missing element that I am needing to overcome this cancerous plague of doom: my higher power and in heavier doses. I put myself here but only God can rescue me from it. Not a good choice of words because my God doesn’t simply reach out his hand, pull me to higher ground and all is well. Addiction? Putting other things before him? Shame? Fear? Self-loathing? He defeated all of these sins at the cross two thousand years ago so I shouldn’t have to, yet here I am, in the thick of it, like some lost sheep out on his own.

I am not given a hand but what I am provided with are the necessary tools and the faith in the one that beat all this crap already, and that is how I dig my way out. More time in the Bible. More time in prayer. More time mentally sending it back from whence it came. Speaking truth in its face, to the enemy and life destroyer that it is.

4pm

Back at the lake and it is hot, folks. Sunning it up before I take a cool dip. And thinking. Feeling weak and not in I want a drink sense but just in I don’t know if I can do this. It’s honestly exhausting, all the anticipation and planning and hoping and..ugh. I feel like I want a vacation from that, which is stupid and now is the time to step it up, not bow completely out.

6pm

Just about to leave the lake. Feel like doing a bunch of baking tonight will not only be a delicious idea but will keep a guy busy. I’m talking about cinnamon buns. I’m talking about pizzas for tomorrow. I’m talking about cookies of some variation. I may even be talking about a cherry pie for all I know. Kapeesh? Sheesh.

730 pm

Commence le baking. Feeling strong.

9pm

One thing is clear: I’m never attempting pizza crust again. Everything else turned out great, minus the pie I chose not to make.

As I was baking, I became more and more agitated. Thoughts of “Oh, I’ll be done all this with more than enough time to drink” and then a shame, an anger and a disgust just washed over my being, as though some demonic prescence but not. I started cursing my ex-wife for bringing this level of dependancy into my life. I started thinking maybe I got back to AA (never liked it and it did nothing for me)? I became deeply ashamed about continuing this so called “success” documentary blog with either lying or being honest and giving up, which kills me.

And speaking of kills me, I would never entertain suicide but those fleeting thoughts of my life is absolute garbage, what else am I supposed to do?

I write this in tears. Tears of anger at the addiction and anger at myself for simply not being able to say no. I want to disappear. I need to be past all this shit but can’t!! I haven’t succumbed yet tonight but all I feel is weakness and the inability to stand my ground. Such a horrible feeling. What a loser.
Healing Through Writing: Day 1-Take 2.

July 15th, 2018

1030am

After last nights fail, I am as rested as I typically am and at the second last pancake breakfast of the Stampede with my girls. This one promises to be the mother of all pcake breakfasts with flapjacks, ham, hashbrowns and baked beans. The sun is shining and it’s going to be a beautiful day.

I can’t wait to be free of this. I have forty pounds to lose and it goes nowhere when I’m consuming alcohol. Missing feeling attractive and feeling confident. I get the irony.. why is this guy talking about pancake breakfasts and weight loss? Trust me, without the constant extra 1500 calories at night time, I can eat pancakes and lose weight. It’s how I do.

130pm

Just had a late lunch and now for the afternoon nap. It’s amazing how all day, drinking isn’t even a thought. Not a blip, for the most part. No desire for it or craving, and if I put thought into it at this hour in regards to consuming it tonight, I’m like no thanks, I’m good. Strong!

5pm

Cardio, followed by a brief swim and I’m ready for a second and lengthier nap but that’s not in the cards. Gonna grab supper for the kids and then I’m heading to the new Cineplex in Seton to see one Dwayne Johnson save the world again in Skyscraper. Part of me thinks it’ll be fun, part of me wants dill flavoured theatre popcorn and part of me wants to use this time as a diversionary tactic in not drinking and getting to day 2. I won’t be home until after ten and early bed sounds delightful as I would like to make it to church tomorrow am.

930pm

Spoiler alert: the movie was pretty lame, though typical Rock fare. I’m at the neighbouring Stuporstore picking up some bacon for the morning and am feeling a strong pull to drink, then give it my all “tomorrow”. Always tomorrow, never right now. And this means no church, which means let down daughters and ultimately a pretty miserable me. What a disease. So easy to start, and so difficult to walk away from. I can’t just give in. Give it the drive home. Early bed does sound awfully enjoyable.

10pm

Failure.
Water.

December 22nd, 2017

Tomorrow marks 28 days sober, or four weeks which means Christmas Eve will signify one month.

Now let’s clarify.. in that time frame I did drink. On around the middle to end of the second week I did forcibly indulge. I experienced a time of craving and I managed to convince myself I should try it, as though it was something I missed.

And let’s be fair.. that’s exactly what it was but it came out of nowhere. I had done just fine the other 11 or so days prior so why all of a sudden? I had no reasoning and I had no back up plan to combat a glitch on day 11 so I made the trip to the liquor store and guiltily made a purchase.

When that hour was upon me and it was time to dance with my devil, it.. had lost its sting. Its power had been removed. I literally forced myself to consume that first one. The taste was disgusting. It made my stomach feel nauseous though I continued, slowly, onto drink numero deuce.

And that was equally nasty, plus I wasn’t at all enjoying the one thing that always drew me in.. the buzz. Shortly thereafter, I went to bed. Normally I would have had my 6 doubles. But it seemed like I have truly overcome this poisonous habit!!

This happened twice more. Honestly, I have no clue why. I was met with the same results. I’m over the taste and it is no longer for me. I just need to work on reinforcing that I am done. Not having it ready to whip out.. life seems a bit duller, to be honest and I need to see past that lie and continue moving forward.

It’s a path I cannot stray from, even if I tried, which I have. There is no turning back. And I couldn’t be happier or freer.
Lazarus.

December 4th, 2017

Tomorrow when I wake, it’ll mark double digits on the sobriety train. Ten days, to the layperson. Now I realize I have procrastinated a bit with past blog postings about freedom from the liquor etcetera. Those were short lived, hope fueled rest stops on the way to the grand bus itself that is sobriety. They didn’t stick.

So how do I know this will? You know when you know. I mean, I guess I don’t know anything for sure as I was taught in thinking the wife I chose would go the distance, not tap out after a little while then live life as an adultress, but I digress.

About two weeks ago, the taste of the liquor, which, let’s face it, isn’t exactly the reason anybody drinks it anyway, but all of a sudden it became vehemently disgusting to these taste buds. So much so that even just considering it the next night my tummy turned and said to me, “You so much as pour a stiff one I WILL vomit on you. Have a good evening.”

Then it just became clear that this was it and I was finally done. Another factor and probably the strongest one being something my pastor friend said to me in regards to defeating anything substantial in this life. He relayed a story he had previously shared with someone struggling with a different life sucking habit. The gist was I am a little kindergartner and the habit, being fed for years and years, is an obese bully in grade 6. He wins hands down, every time.. unless I know how to combat him and ultimately win, every time.

Getting 8 hours sleep is becoming normal. Waking without a headache, dry heaves and puffy eyes is a thing of the past. Having more time for creativity is so awesome, wish I’d gotten here years ago.

I tried but never hard enough. I don’t want to look back but if I did I’d make so much more out of the time I was given. I was in the best shape of my life 4 years ago. Now I tip the scales and the road ahead is a lengthy one to get back that which I have lost.

I took my health for granted for way too long. Who am I to trash myself internally like I did? Let’s hope there’s no permanent damage minus liver and kidney beatings. Oh, and the billions of brain cells that are fried. And the tens of thousands of dollars fed to the beast I used to serve.

Some harsh realities now that I examine my recent stupidity. Dark truths to a poisonous and lonely habit. Alas, I am free and free indeed. The chains are off. I am a new creation.